Losing a loved one is an emotionally painful experience that can have a real effect on the physical part of our being. Each individual will of course will have different experiences but it seems that so many people go through this early phase of exhaustion. Well, that was the case for me at least. Soon after losing my big brother I found myself so tired. All I wanted to do was sleep. Getting out of bed was super hard and I would lose my breath just walking to the mailbox.
I began to question what other feelings and symptoms my body would go through. As time passed this is what I self noted...
My grief began with anxiety. I experienced horrible headaches, shortness of breath, pressure in my chest and some serious heaviness in my throat. My energy levels were depleted. I was completely exhausted, my muscles felt weak and the smallest tasks felt like they took a tremendous amount of energy.
The feeling of exhaustion made me just want to sleep. I slept and slept some more. I was sleeping so much that I felt tired from sleeping. I also wanted to sleep so I could find him in my dreams. I was looking for signs, messages and tried to make sense of it all when I would wake up. My whole body was out of whack and my mind was making me crazy!
Depression. I have been sad in the past but not like this. This was depression and it was making me so tired! So I listened to my body and I rested. But I also recognized the depression and made sure it didn't get out of control. I began taking my vitamins again, and started to do things that would lift my spirit.
The whole world had stopped because of the loss. Slowly, very slowly my world began to return to back my awareness.
Looking back at all of this I realize how important it is to sit beside the experience of loss. With each day things change. They get worse before they get better, but they do get better. From feeling the heartache all day long, to five minutes a day when I didn't think about it. Then this five minutes turned into ten, then growing to fifteen or twenty, and then I realized that a whole day went by when I don't cry.
Then something happened. I began to smile again. WAIT!! Why am I smiling? I started to have feelings of betrayal. It is just so crazy. There I was, beginning to heal and I felt guilty. Grief has an intensity of emotions that everyone must learn to cope with. I told myself to feel each moment completely and honor each emotion. Yes, it is a process, a long hard process, but in time, balance will come once again.
Finding something to help pull you out of the darkness is one of the best thing you can do for yourself. For me, it was creation.